Breaking News: Mueller Investigation Leaks Transcript of Steelers-Patriots Replay Discussion
In a shocking new development that once again threatens to shake the NFL’s foundations to their core, we have learned that Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller has uncovered possible evidence of Russian intimidation in the NFL’s instant replay operation. While surveying wireless communication intercepts the investigators’ attention was caught by references to people of interest in their current investigation.
The wireless communication between the on-Field official and the replay official at NFL headquarters in New York City was transcribed and brought to the attention of the Special Prosecutor’s office. Sources at the Special Prosecutor’s deny leaking the transcripts which are being reported here for the first time.
As of this time, no one from The White House, The NFL, The Special Prosecutor’s Office or the Kremlin has denied the story.
Below is the unedited transcript that will surely be called #FakeNews by everyone involved.
(Editor’s Note: OFO refers to the On-Field-Official and NFL is the voice of the NFL Official in New York)
OFO: On the field this looked like a clear touchdown and pretty much wins the game for the Steelers. What do you think?
NFL: As I look at it…...wait......oh crap.
OFO: Oh crap?
NFL: This is that stupid catch rule that everyone hates. As I see it Jesse James secured the ball and it is not moving when his knee hits. Then he makes a move to lunge across the goal-line in full control of the ball.
OFO: It sure looks like a touchdown…..in fact everyone I know not wearing a Brady jersey would say that it looks like a score.
NFL: Yes it does look like a touchdown but….but for that rule. And that would win it for the Steelers and you could walk out clean.
OFO: Yes—just say we lack irrefutable video evidence needed to overturn it and claim the call stands. We don’t have to say that it is confirmed.
NFL: That would make your life easier.
OFO: Yes it would.
NFL: But it wouldn’t make Roger Goodell’s life easier.
OFO: How is that?
NFL: Look we can always fall back on that silly catch rule that we have. What that does is allows us to overturn this thing. It keeps the Patriots alive.
OFO: Why is that important?
NFL: Look after deflate-gate fallout and Robert Kraft’s help in staving off Jerry Jones' alleged attempt to get rid of Roger Goodell.....do we really have a choice?
OFO: Should that enter into our thoughts right now?
NFL: Well probably not. We certainly wouldn’t want anyone to overhear this conversation. But let the call stand and make your own mistakes. Robert Kraft knows Putin. He even let Putin palm and steal one of his Super Bowl rings. Kraft knows Trump so well he'll probably have Super Bowl Rings made up for Trump and Putin this year.
OFO: Does Kraft have that kind of power?
NFL: Hell Yeah. Why do you think that Gronk only got one game for that ridiculous late hit? Because any suspension over 1 game would’ve kept him out of this game.
OFO: Yeah but these are the Steelers. The Rooney family.
NFL: Look if Obama was still President and Dan Rooney was still the Ambassador to Ireland I’d tell you to go the other way. But since Trump won and the Steelers stayed in the locker room for the National Anthem you know what we have to do. This is all part of Making America Great Again.
OFO: Yeah but you know what the fan backlash will be after this one?
NFL: Yes because every football fan in America —except Patriots fans— will look at it and say the Steelers got robbed. But don’t worry. We’ll get on the phone with every announcer calling games the rest of the weekend and tell them to reiterate that the rule is the rule. Then we’ll put out a video explaining the call.
OFO: You think that will appease the fans?
NFL: Hell no. But it will expose what a bad rule it is and then maybe we’ll have enough pressure to change the damn thing. In the meantime Kraft will let Goodell keep his job, Putin will get another Super Bowl Ring and let us both live.
NFL: Putin has probably killed for less.
OFO: I just don’t feel right about this.
NFL: Hey don’t worry. It’s not the last play of the game. The Steelers have the best clutch kicker in the league this year. If they don’t get a TD they’ll go to overtime.
OFO: Okay. So we’re clear, after all that we’ve discussed we will overturn the call.
NFL: That’s right. We overturn the call, Kraft is happy, Trump is happy, Putin is happy, Goodell is happy and we both get to live. We kept the Patriots alive and we kept ourselves alive. And above all we don’t tell anyone what we talked about.
OFO: Your secret is safe with me.
(Editor's Note: And now we know what #FakeNews really looks like)