Pigskin Stew: Texas vs. Tennessee--Settling the "Real U-T" Argument Once & For All
With Texas headed to Knoxville to take on the Vols the argument of which school is “The Real U-T” comes to a head. The debate started within seconds of Texas being invited to join the SEC and now the two schools will finally play.
The game may not settle the argument, but there are some other factors that can be weighed on the respective merits of U-T and U-T. Like a bitter divorce sometimes settling an argument needs an unbiased arbitrator to weigh the merits. I am happy to take on that role. As a Penn Stater with no ties to the SEC or to either school, there is no conflict of interest.
Note: To reassure everyone that there is no inherent bias against one school or another. Penn State has a 3-2 record against both U-T and U-T. That includes five bowl games Penn State is 2-0 against the Longhorns (30-6 in the 1971 Cotton Bowl and 38-15 in the 1996 Fiesta Bowl) and is 3-0 against the Volunteers (42-17 in the 1991 Fiesta Boal, 31-13 in the 1993 Citrus Bowl and 20-10 in the 2006 Outback Bowl).
There is no lingering resentment towards either team. Some may mention Nixon’s snub of Penn State in 1969 in proclaiming Texas the National Champion, but we blame Nixon for that one, not the quintessential gentleman Coach Darrel Royal and his team.
So, let’s look at 9 critical factors to settle the argument:
Mascots: The Texas Longhorns vs the Tennessee Volunteers. The Longhorn Bevo can be an intimidating presence. Tennessee has a dog on the sideline. It’s neither intimidating nor scary, but it did try to bite Penn State receiver Deon Butler when he caught a sideline fade. Smokey is a great dog. But the edge goes to the Volunteers went to New Orleans to beat the British and then to Texas two decades later to help them win their Independence. The gap closes a bit, because legendary Texas institution Buc-ee’s has sent their forces into Tennessee. That seems a good trade to re-pay those Tennesseans who died at the Alamo.
Advantage: Tennessee –Davey Crockett just edges out Buc-ee’s.
Music Part 1: While Nashville and Memphis are in Tennessee and have incredible music history, the Volunteers are in Knoxville. Austin is the live music capital of the world. Major edge to Texas, but let’s look at some of the music legends that sprung from both states. Tennessee has Dolly Parton, Kenny Chesney and Otis Redding. They also can claim Elvis Pressley, BB King and Johnny Cash. But while they made their mark in Memphis, Elvis and BB were born in Mississippi and Johnny Cash came from Arkansas. Texas counters with Stevie Ray Vaughan, Janis Joplin, Willie Nelson, Beyonce, George Strait, Gary Clark Jr and Lyle Lovett. All native-born. And the longest-running music show on TV is “Austin City Limits” on PBS. And if you're a fan of Cannabis not even Snoop can keep up with Willie Nelson.
Advantage: Texas
Alternate Team Mascots: Matthew McConaughey vs Johnny Knoxville: Alright, Alright, Alright vs Jackass. McConaughey is a true fan, is the minister of culture and is a major part of the fabric of Austin and the University of Texas. He’s won an Oscar. Johnny Knoxville started the show Jackass and literally put his body on the line for Tennessee. He donned a Volunteer uniform in full pads, went to a USC practice and fielded punts without any blockers and got destroyed by Trojan players. SEC fans note: USC is Southern Cal. And as you’ll see in this clip, USC would’ve been flagged for targeting. That makes up for McConaughey’s Oscar.
Advantage: Toss-up.
Tailgating: Excellent tailgating all around, but Tennessee has a Volunteer Navy.
Advantage: Tennessee.
Food and Drink: This really comes down to BBQ when you talk Tennessee and Texas. No disrespect to the BBQ in Tennessee but beef brisket and the smoked sausages at places like Franklin BBQ in Austin are like the Dom Perignon of BBQ. But let me make this clear, Pizza and BBQ are like sex—it is always good—some is just better than others. Dr. Pepper, Tito's and Shiner Bock come from Texas, while RC Cola, Moon Pies and Jack Daniels come from Tennessee. Moon pies and Jack help close the gap, but not enough.
Advantage: Texas
School Colors: Burnt Orange (Texas) vs. Hunting Vest Orange (Tennessee): Texas’ burnt orange is subtle and can be worn in the wild as an accent to brown, or navy blue or black. The burnt orange may be the only understated thing in the whole Lone Star state. Tennessee’s orange is loud (and proud) but it makes everyone at home adjust their TV sets to tone it down. It is best to be kept in Neyland Stadium or deer hunting.
Advantage: Texas
Music Part 2: Rocky Top vs the Eyes of Texas and/or Texas Fight: As much as you hate the repetitive nature of Rocky Top when you’re coaching against them, you end up knowing all the words and you can’t help but admire lyrics about a moonshine still and a girl who is half bear the other half cat and wild as a mink and sweet as soda pop. Good news: if the girl you dated on Rocky Top is in fact half bear and the other half cat, you can now be hired by the FBI.
Advantage: Tennessee
Classic Actors: Tommy Lee Jones vs Lee Majors: Tommy Lee Jones has had a phenomenal career, No Country For Old Men won an Oscar for Best Picture. His acting career is among the best ever, and he even played guard in college at Harvard. He also made a movie called Man of The House where he was a Texas Ranger who went undercover as a Longhorn Cheerleader coach. Lee Majors was not born in Tennessee but was related to former Tennessee star player and long-time Tennessee Coach Johnny Majors. Lee Majors was also the $6 Million Man. That $6 Million in 1974 when the show started is just under $41 million today. The $6 million man fought Russians, aliens and Big Foot. But above all he was married to Farah Fawcett. For any young man who grew up in the 1970s and 80s, you know the importance of the $6 million man and Farah Fawcett. That covers a lot of ground and levels the playing field against Jone's award-winning career.
Advantage: Toss-Up.
Mannings: Peyton Manning (Tennessee) vs Arch Manning (Texas): Peyton had a great career in Knoxville and in the NFL. The jury is out on Arch’s full college and eventually pro career, but we do know he can run a lot faster than Peyton. The original Chad Powers tried to walk on at Penn State and was played by another Manning (Eli).
Advantage: To Be Determined
Conclusion--The Real U-T: After looking at the nine most important factors, we have advantage Tennessee 3 times, advantage Texas 3 times and 2 toss-ups and 1 to be determined. Just settle it on the field I guess.
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